Saturday, August 30, 2014

There is such a thing as a Bad BJ

Ok so I met this girl she looked to be in her early thirties.  We hit it off and I offered to take her out to dinner.  She tells me that she already ate but wanted to go to my place.  Well there is a red flag, I never met a lady who turned down a free dinner.  If nothing else just get desert right?

Due to my job, I travel some.  So for the past few weeks I have been at this hotel.  So we go inside and in the elevator to my room.  I light a scented candle.  At first I thought we were just going to sit and cuddle but thankfully I always carry condoms.  I take them everywhere.  You never know when luck will strike and I don't raw dog.  I don't want to be a guest on Maury taking a DNA test.

Eventually I just come out and ask if she would give me a blow job.  She tells me that she loves giving blow jobs.  (More on this later).  So I whip out the condom and hand it to her.  The fact that she has no idea how to put on a condom while at the same time claiming to love blow jobs is a head scratcher.

So as a guy who is in his late 30's I do need a bit of help in the men's department.  I am not ashamed of it, it is just nature.  So a while back I went and bought a penis ring.  It is designed to restrict blood flow and keep the little fella at full attention until the job is done.

Now here is where it get's funny.  On the night stand is a small bag that I keep some personal items in.  One of these is my penis ring.  I ask her to hand me the bag as she is closer to it.  Her response is,
"Why?  Do you have a gun???"  
Da Smurf?  If she thought I was a threat to her why come to my hotel.  So sarcastically I say,
"Yes, that's right I have a gun."
She panics and starts running for the door.  I holler out to her that I am just getting my ring out and that I have no gun. Apparently she has never seen one before.  So I explain to her how to put it on me.  She fails and asks me to help her.  So I open the ring up and instruct her to put my goods in there and then as she fumbles around cluelessly the thing breaks.  She asks if I have another one, and of course I don't

I should mention that at this time William The Conqueror (Yes I named it.) had a severe case of Fuck This Shit and went to sleep.  So now she is trying to attach a condom to a dead penis.  I had to inform her that a penis has to be erect to put on a condom.  So she starts rubbing it.

Public Service Announcement:  Ladies if your fake nails are long and sharp enough to go head to head against Wolverine perhaps you may want to avoid giving handjobs.

I was trying to be a gentleman and I knew this lady was doing her best but OMG the pain, I think Freddy Kruger would have been more gentle.  So here I am doing my best to get hard while fighting back against the pain and a penis that had enough sense to know when to quit, but I prevail.  I finally get hard and the condom is on.  Now the oral paradise can begin.


Ok ladies, the penis is a sensitive organ.  It is not a chew toy.  We men love it when you nibble on our neck, that is a hickey.  We do not like hickies on our dickies.  OK!!   She opened up her mouth and bit me hard I let out a screech that would wake the dead, or at least the people in the next room.

After enduring two minutes of sheer penile torture I rolled over to my side and William The Conqueror went back to sleep.  She then has a confession to make.

"This is the first blow job I've ever given.  Could you tell?  How was I?"

How exactly do you answer a question like that?  Thankfully I was saved by the ringing of her cell phone, it was her sister.  Her sister was babysitting her kid and got pulled over by the cops and if she didn't get there soon the police would take her kid to CPS.  Or at least that is what she told me.

She is frantic and trying to find her shoes and as I walk her to her car, for some reason she stops and asks me what am I doing tomorrow?  Huh?  Your kid is about to go to CPS and you want to make a date with me???  I tell her that I am busy tomorrow and remind her to focus on her kid.  Of course had I known about the kid before I would not have taken her to my hotel.  I don't want to raise other people's children.  That is one thing about dating women over 40.  If they have kids they are grown and out of the way.

I know some guys are turned off by women who have had many partners, but there is a time and a place for when you really need someone who knows what they are doing.  Anyway I got some ointment here and I am currently trying to nurse William The Conqueror back to health.  I thought you all might enjoy this story as my pain hopefully brought you a few laughs.