Tuesday, December 8, 2015

My Balls are huge, now I act like it.

I was driving my car the other day and I saw a lady who missed her bus.  She approached just as the bus took off.  I stopped to give her a ride.  She was a slender black woman.  I usually don't date black women as I have found that they tend to come with too much baggage and poor attitudes but I made an exception.

We began talking and she was on her way home, she lived with her uncle.  For some reason I ignored two major red flags.  First, this lady was older than me, why didn't she yet have her own place.  The second is with the hair.  Like many black women she lacked self esteem about her natural hair.  (For more on my views on hair click on http://happycabbie.blogspot.com/2014/12/the-beauty-of-long-feminine-hair.html which includes several natural black women)  She had on a wig, a very obvious wig.  To be honest I don't know why so many black women wear wigs, they are not fooling anyone.  So after we exchanged phone numbers I asked her to take the wig off.  She complied.  Her hair was kept short, red flag number 2.

My male readers can back me up on this, short hair on a woman is a major red flag.  It is time to abandon ship and run for it.  Short hair on a woman is a tell tell sign that emotional turmoil is on the way.  Either they are in a meltdown or about to have one.  Looking back as soon as I saw how short her hair was I should have just dropped her off at her uncle's house and called it a day.  I guess I was lonely or stupid, perhaps a little bit of both.

I scheduled a date with her and had the whole evening planned out.  During one of our phone conversations she let on that her shoes were falling apart.  I offered to buy her new shoes suitable for the winter.  When I picked her up, Wal-Mart was our first stop.  She said she wanted to go to a shoe store, but I assured her that Wal-Mart would have a reasonable selection and that I needed to pick up some stuff for myself.

When we pulled up to Wal-Mart I told her we were there for winter shoes at a reasonable price.  I did not want to shell out a ton of money for shoes.  She said she understood and we went inside the store.  The whole time all she did was complain about how this other shoe store she wanted had better selection.  I kept pushing her to just pick something.  She eventually did.  However we were not even close to doing shopping. She started filling up that shopping cart and in the end I paid over $100 and all I got was some Gold Bond and baby wipes.  She got new shoes, a new coat, prescriptions, food, and I don't even remember what else I just remember shelling out $100.  We spent hours in there and it was too late to do anything else.  On the way to her uncle's house she breaks her phone, I guess she sat on it.  I want a way to contact her so I offer to buy her a phone.  I also buy a cell phone case to keep the new one from breaking.  I dropped her off at her uncle's house and went home.

Our second date wasn't much of a success either.  Various family members was asking her for rides even though it was my car and my gas.  Nobody bothered to ask me.  She did comply with my request to leave the wig at home.

Her uncle had asked her to run to Church's Chicken and I foolishly assumed that her uncle had given her the money.  We went inside and she even had coupons.  In the end it was a 20 piece family dinner and when it came time to pay, she looked at me.  Didn't say anything, just looked at me.  So now I am buying dinner for her whole family.  Great.  I am such a fool, but thankfully in the end I do put my foot down, but that comes later, much later.

Somehow we wind up at Dollar General, I am not sure how, I just know it is me, her, and her grandson who wants a toy.  She places the toy in the cart, naturally I am paying for it.  $158 dollars is the total this time.  I thought I was just taking her grandson home, how did we wind up going shopping again?  She tells me that the cell phone case broke that I got her so I figure $10 will get a new one.  It was a lie, turns out she was taking me to buy her a blue tooth headset.  More money.  Before I drop her off I remind her not to think of me as an ATM, and that if she ever asks me for money I will "drop her like a hot potato"

The next day I am texting her as usual, only this time no response.  I tried calling, it goes to voicemail.  Now I am mad.  I spent all that money and now she won't answer the phone.  She eventually calls me back at 3pm telling me that she just woke up.  How is it even possible to sleep until 3pm?  Anyway this is the new habbit, I am up during the day and I sleep at night.  The night is when she wants to talk, so I now stay up to talk to her.  We make plans for a third attempt at a date.  I make one request.  No wig, just be natural.

What greets me at the door is someone who has never heard of a hairbrush.  It is almost as if she intentionally made her hair look that bad just to prove a point.  She is also still in her pajamas.  It is 5:30 in the afternoon.  I am on time but I have to sit in my car for 30 minutes for her to get ready, and in 30 minutes she obviously took a weedwhacker to her hair.  There is no possible explanation for her hair looking that bad unless she did it intentionally.  Still if she wants to go outside looking like a train wreck who am I to stop her.

The whole time she is on the phone.  Apparently her mother needs medication and she is calling other members of the family to borrow the money.  Frustrated I tell her I will give her the 80 dollars to get the medication.  At least it should get her off the phone and focused on me, right?  So here is how it works.  She has to give the 80 dollars to her brother who will then get the medication.  Looking back I smell a rat.  Why don't I just buy the medicine myself and take it directly to the mother, why the middle man?

So we are on the way to her brother's house and she tells me to stop and let her out a block away.  I ask her why can't I just park next to the house.  "Because he doesn't like white people."  Ok so I just gave 80 bucks to some racist who has never met me but already hates me I guess.  So after she gets out she noticed that I am parked right where I let her out.  Apparently I can't do that either because her brother will assume I am a cop.  Red Flag Alert.  Why would it be bad if her brother thought I was a cop, exactly what is my 80 dollars going towards.  That is it, I start driving back towards her uncles house.  This is her cue for her to go bonkers and to completely lose her mind.

She starts yelling and complaining about every little thing and I am just sitting there calmly driving my car while totally amused by the whole situation.  Her biggest complaint is how badly she looks without her wig.  Two points, first I have seen her hair look decent without the wig, second every other woman I have ever met knows how to brush their hair, including black women.

She then demands that I pay for her to go to a salon to have her hair styled each week or just put up with her wig.  I have known this woman for only a few days.  I sit and look at her trying to hold back laughter. Eventually I tell her that perhaps its best if we end it.  She can go back to wearing her silly wig and I can go back and lead a happy life.

I am so proud of myself for finally having the balls to kick someone to the curb who obviously needed it.  I only wish I did it sooner so I didn't have to spend so much money.

She is not the first black woman I have dated but it will probably be quite some time before I date another one.  Almost all of them have kids, and they love to yell.  Black women, if you want to date a nice gentleman, white or otherwise, here is a few tips.  Keep the legs closed and don't jump on every dick that comes your way.  You will have far fewer children that way.  Wait for a wedding ring.  And when you do find a man that you fancy, don't yell at him, learn patience and keep your attitude in check.  Every black woman I have ever dated had problems with attitude that women of other races simply don't have.  It may be a stereotype but stereotypes are grounded in reality.

Survey results I did a while back on how Black Women can find a white man to date.