Friday, November 28, 2014

A Longing for Jesus

For those who don't know I was raised in a non religious home and it wasn't until my teen years that I began to get involved with church.  I stayed with the faith through most of my adult life.  One of the biggest things I miss about my time as a Christian was the belief that I was serving God and I made an effort to bring glory to God in everything I do.

I had a falling out with my church a few years ago when a friend of mine was injured while doing volunteer work for them.  Instead of behaving like I felt they should, they responded to his injuries the way a business would and that did not sit well with me.  So I quit going to church.  Of course you can't blame the actions of one single church and lay it at the footsteps of the whole faith, I just never quite got over it and did not seek out a new house of worship.

Two years later I became friends with a few atheists and began to take a look into the things I believed.  It was an intense traumatic experience for me as my faith was a central core of who I was.  Eventually I came out as an atheist.  I no longer believed in God.  About a year after that a bunch of people were posting their deconversion stories and I uploaded mine.  It was 54 minutes and it was very in depth.  I later took the video down as I did not want my video to be responsible for anyone else's separation from God.

In the years that followed I made several new friends as sadly most of my old Christian friends no longer came around.  I found organizations to help out such as Doctors Without Borders and for a while life was good.  However, I have been feeling as of late that there is a Christ centered hole in me.  There is something missing and I am confused on how to fill it.

Can I go back?  Returning to my Christian faith would be difficult for me as I feel I know too much.  I don't think I could sit through a lesson on Noah and the Ark, or Jonah, or any of the other acts of miracles from the Bible.  I don't think going to a liberal church, where they view things like creation as a parable, would work for me.  If I were to go I would have to go all in.  I don't know how to do that.

Part of me wants to believe in God and the Bible again, but I truly don't know how I could.  I don't know what the answers are.